“A V I E ”
Sunday, August 13, 2017 || Sunday, August 13, 2017
It has definitely been awhile since the last time I have posted in this terrible terrible blog of mine. I've been busy with school, with everything really, and didn't had any ideas on what to write. I really wanted to keep off the dark, sentimental and emotional stuff, but that's just how my mind works and my whole world resolves around those things. I don't think I'm a sad person per say, more like.. The way I think and how others think is so so different sometimes. I can't think of an example as I'm typing this out, but there are times whereby I can see the difference between how my friends and I think. While we're at this topic, lets discover what goes thru Hana's mind every single day and how she handles her shits.
I often have breakdowns too, while I lay down and listen to music. Normally around 2 or 3AM when everyone's asleep and I'm still awake. All of a sudden my brain just decides to tell me how much of a bitch I am and how many people actually hates me and don't wanna be my friend. It's scary to think and realize that this has actually been going on for the past 9 years or so. The thought of being hated, not being wanted and the thought of wanting to kill myself and ending it all. I'd cry the whole night, hoping that one day, I wouldn't have to cry at night again. I think about how miserable my life is and how lonely it feels every single day. I lay down, cry to myself, sobbing, wanting to go to sleep and not want to wake up. It used to happen every single day, now it just happens once a week. I wonder why I always have these emotions?
When I sit in a corner during a class or a lecture, I often wonder if these people around me are friends with me because they like me or because they feel like I can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of? I don't have money so all I can give is my time and my loyalty, I wonder if that is why they want me around. To fill in the empty void they have in their hearts, to compare themselves to me, realizing that I'm so much more pathetic than they are. I always make friends with the people that have trouble mixing around, and once they are used to the new environment, often they forget their roots and trash people like me away. I'm probably just some rag people can use to wipe up their wounds but never washing the rag to use it more often in the future.
Do you think of death often? I do. Not like 'Oh i want to die. ' but more like.. "I wonder how will I die?" or "If I do this, will this lead to my death?". Things like that. Like you sitting there, drinking Starbucks, looking around and suddenly you ask yourself if today was going to be your last day and if you were going to die drinking Starbucks. Or would you die while you are shitting in the toilet? How about loosing your soul while watching a movie and no one notices until the end of the movie, when the staff goes in the theater and see you sitting there, lifeless. Maybe something scarier like, falling off from the top floor, or being stabbed at the back while you're walking home or get shot while you are in the way of a robbery scene? I want a peaceful death. Something peaceful like drinking poison or dying in your sleep. It wouldn't harm no one but me, and that's the only thing I wish for.
I tend to think about these things a lot, maybe that's why I'm such a reserved and quiet child. I don't have many friends and that's also one of the reasons why I'm hating myself so much hahaha. Fret not, it wouldn't be soon till I kill myself. I still got a long way to go and still got a book to publish before I die. I want people to read the stories I made with this twisted brain of mine, to enjoy thinking like a freak and also accept that, they aren't the only one who has these thoughts. I know I'm not alone, and they aren't either.
Lets get together and imagine a world full of psychos like us.
Monday, January 2, 2017 || Monday, January 02, 2017
2 January 2017, why am I awake at 12.24am writing this blog post? Who knows, really. Anyways, 2016 has been a really shaky year. Filled with a truckload of tears and heartbreaks, I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will ever love someone like me. Tons of ups and downs, I was wondering to myself, "When will this ever end?"
Eventually it all did, but it wasn't easy. The month of December was the worst. It was the holiday month and everyone was out and about, having the time of their lives. While I was struggling with my exams and when the holidays finally did come, I was homed most of the time. I felt worst because when you're at home, you tend to overthink a lot more. And eventually, grow lonely and assumed that your existence is nothing. I tried watching a lot of my animation and ever tv series, but when it gets quiet, I can never stop thinking of killing myself. You know its bad that even sitting at the couch, waiting for an episode to load, you have thoughts like "I'm not important." or "No one will remember me when I'm gone."
And the shittiest thing is that, I believe all of that - up till now. It has been bothering me a lot lately. It even disturbs me when I try to sleep. My mind goes all messy and all the strings are in knots. I feel like crying at times, but no tears would leave my dry eyes. It feels as though feeling sad is normal, as though I don't even try to laugh anymore. The amount of loneliness I feel every single day.. I don't even know how to explain it.
I hate myself for being this way. I envy those who are able to smile freely, without any care in the world. In the meantime, I'm even afraid of having the thought of being happy without worrying that it could all go away. I had a reason of waking every morning, I had a reason to live, yet it all disappeared into thin light, without another word or say. Tell me how can I bring myself to trust another person when everyone else gives me a reason not to? Why do people lie to take my heart away then leave when they are done sucking up all the love I had left?
right now, I'm thinking to myself, "Who would be the first to realize that I had left this place?" because the answer could be very.. entertaining. Someone you thought you could trust your whole life could be the last to know, or the least bothered.
Humans are such scary creations.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016 || Wednesday, November 30, 2016
it hurts like hell
Wednesday, September 21, 2016 || Wednesday, September 21, 2016
don't know why i have been hurting so much, don't know why it hurts when i breathe. i cry every night, wondering to myself " why do i still live?" . asking myself questions like " am i even needed?" . i forgot the purpose of my very existence. was i born to make people laugh and smile? or was i born to help people learn to never be someone like me? or did God just dropped me from the sky, not having any purpose for me? i was a happy kid, yes i was. i was smiling and laughing no matter what happened. after everything was over, i overcame my darkness and saw light in that everlasting tunnel.
little did i know that for every happy ending, there's a plot twist in the end. the darkness covers you up with your own anxiety, your own fears and your own sadness. the only thing you can do is to sit there and cry alone, not knowing what to do because no one understands. you try to say it out but words can no longer explain what it feels like inside. the fear of not being needed or wanted. the jealously of not being recognized. the sadness of not being remembered. i was afraid of being hated by everything and everyone. i was afraid of it happening, but it already did.
i fear people.
as much as i love my friends, i can never bring myself to speak up to someone new and being friends with em. i dislike having to make a conversation that will only destroy me. as i write this down, i tell myself that words can never fully describe how i feel because its so much more than this. its slowly tearing my heart apart, and one day i'll break. and when that day comes, finally, no one will remember me.
Saturday, August 27, 2016 || Saturday, August 27, 2016
Why do we feel so much? Why are we always trusting the wrong people and end up never to trust the next new person in line? Its so funny how we thought that we are old enough to make our decisions into choosing what kind of friends or lovers but we never truly learn our mistakes until the end comes. We still rely on the help given into choosing something that is "good for us." But what happens what the choices you make ended up being the bad one?
You cry, you break and you forget how to feel happy again. We got so many people around us, yet why do we still feel alone? It feels like there's truly no one who will care about you, yet you still try to reach out to everyone else. You are always the person to call people out because you know no one will do the same. You are afraid of being alone, but you already know that you already are. That people will only start missing you and think about you when you are gone, dead. And after a day of two, the whole world forgets you ever existed because you never mattered. Have you ever felt like so? Have you ever felt like killing yourself every single day but you never had the guts to because you believe that you still have a chance in making your life better?
Yet why do we still think of death every single day.
Even though we know that deep down, "everything will be okay someday."
Because that "someday", hasn't come yet. It is'int here currently so we can't bring ourselves to believe that everything will be a-okay. We still feel hurt from the shit life gives us and cry every single night, hoping that the pain will leave our hearts. Begging to God that the "someday" everyone talks about, will come very soon. We're so tired of dealing the same things every day, we're so tired of having our emotions played with, we're so tired of living. Its difficult hiding behind a smiley faced mask. Its difficult pretending that nothing is secretly stabbing your chest ten thousand times. Its difficult to not show the tears that we are holding back every time we sit in the bus and relatable songs starts to play.
Why do we hurt so much?
Thursday, August 18, 2016 || Thursday, August 18, 2016
After having you out of my mind, I started doing things I thought I wouldn't anymore. I forgot how to feel about life and laughter was just another "bonus". I read a lot, just to distract myself from the reality that was kicking me right in the ass. Listening to music that represents my emotions and feelings that I couldn't describe with just words. I thought falling in love would be just pure happiness, but who knew that it could break a girl so much? Who knew it could hurt her heart and numb her facial expressions? Why do we loose ourselves when pursuing someone who could be like a drug to us? We addicted to their sweet nothings and their jokes, forgetting that we actually should take a step back and enjoy the scenery for awhile. To look from afar, what kind of person they are and what kind of things do they do. Because love blinds all. We might think, "Oh she's person." or "Oh, he would never do such a thing." but those are just illusions that our mind plays to make us fall in love and fall apart in the end.
Don't get me wrong, falling in love is a great thing. We become happier having someone in our lives and we look forward to every single day. Sharing memories and sharing short little moments with one another. Giggling like little kids and playing around like dweebs. Hugging and tickling one another because they're ticklish. Its those moments where you feel like the happiest person in the world and you never want to leave this paradise. You live each day, waiting for this "paradise" but not knowing that a tsunami could wash away all these happy little moments and turn it into broken, sad memories.
How unfair it is when some people are so indecisive and are constantly running away from their problems and we are here, trying to face it, and go through it. How we are trying to "accept their past" and learn something new everyday, reminding ourselves to never repeat the same mistakes and there are people who just sits there and blame themselves for everything that had happened.
It takes two hands to clap. It takes two people to form a mistake, a fight. Like how a lady can't get pregnant alone, she needs help from a male. Its never just one side, its two people, hiding facts and emotions, creating small little problems which will just join together to become one, big. problem. Now we know that "trust" is a thing that we shouldn't give to everyone. Sure, they may tell you they love you and pamper you with food, gifts and sweet cliche words.
But are they really the one for you?
I walk the line
Saturday, August 13, 2016 || Saturday, August 13, 2016
It kinda hurts, right here and right now. How I left everything behind me and then suddenly, things don't go the way you wanted it to. Everything just changes and the words that he spoke was the sentences and phrases that you would never expect. Is it because I'm not good enough or is it because you don't trust me? What makes you think that I can't go through shit together with you?
Its so unfair when two people like each other yet one decides that they can't be together. Just because of something that happened in the past. Just because it happened with them, what makes you think the same things would happen with me?
Its so unfair because you treated me so well. You made me happy and then you destroyed my heart at that moment. I took me a while to realize what was finally happening and then I cried.
Are these just excuses? Half-hearted things never end well. Then why the f* did you even talk to me? Why did you even text me and buy me food? Why did go lengths and travel around just for me and made me believe that we could be something?
Why did you make this young girl believe such a lie?
Are you a coward, or do you just find it hard to put you trust in me?
Because I'm weird, I'm twisted and I'm sensitive. I think I would be able to understand what it feels like even though I can't say it. I can't express it.
It kinda hurts, right here and right now. When you tell me that we can never be together. When you tell me you like me but you can't be someone more than a friend to me.
Tell me how should I feel? Tell me what I should do?
Don't tell me to fucking give up because its not as easy as it seems. I can't fall in love with someone so much and then just "forget about it." I'm human, not a fuhken robot.
Don't play with my heart, please. I beg of you.
Why did you try when you know this will never work out?
Monday, August 1, 2016 || Monday, August 01, 2016
Why does Leia cry at night for no reason? She lay down on her bed and tell herself how unimportant she is and just starts crying. She imagines herself dead and how the funeral would be. How people will forget her the next day and how no one will cry for her. Leia imagines herself trapped in a room, begging for someone to help her.
For 6 years she was locked inside that dark room. On some days, the door would open and she could do whatever she wants, but something keeps leading her back to her room and lock herself in there for another how many more months.
Leia trusts people too easily and once, she had emotions for the first time. She felt as though her chest was beating once again. It feels as though her stomach had butterflies.
but what went wrong? Everything came crashing down, tearing her apart and the room she was trapped in became smaller. It became darker and before she knew it, she couldn't see anything except for pure darkness.
The colour of the room was the same as the colour of her soul.
What happened? Leia used to be such a happy girl before. She used to be the person who makes the people around her laugh and smiles. She was the the one person anyone could lean on and talk to. But what has led her to become as dark as the night? She asks herself that everyday but she never got the answer. When will she realize that the only person that is hurting her, is herself? When will she realize that she should stop putting her heart in everything and everyone before getting hurt?
Why won't you listen and just do as I say. Why can't you just forget the stuffs around you and run away?
Leave the world with me, its better for you out there. Staying here will only make you sadder than you already are. Why hang on into the slim thread of "hope" that someone will save you?
Tuesday, May 31, 2016 || Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Its difficult to tell what I'm feeling right now. Is it bliss or is it melancholy? Trust is the one thing I tend to give so easily. Therefore, getting hurt over and over again. I close my eyes and tell myself,
"The more you trust, the more you get hurt. The more tears will be shed and your heart may never be mend again."
Yet why is it that I keep doing the same mistakes? I give in too much, I apologize too much when it's sometimes not my fault, I trust easily and I'm naive. A few nice and pretty words, and you already get my emotions wrecked. It hurts, sometimes. Knowing that I can never be an important person in someone's life. Yet I give my all in a relationship/friendship, even though I know that it takes a small effort to just throw me away. I know it kills me later on for putting too much effort, but I still give my hardest. Then when they finally shove me aside, I realized how stupid I've become, how broken I'm going to be.
How long has it been since I laughed naturally
How long has it been since I've longed for someone who will treasure me
I never loved myself because I know no one will.
I never cared about myself because no one showed me how.
Yet my emotions give me so much pain. People give me so much grief.
I'm the one to blame. I'm at fault. I was the one who created this mess. How many times have I heard that since I was just 7 years old? Why did I have a
It has been 9 years yet I can never get over the fact that my childhood was destroyed. That I can never get my innocence back. I still cry about it up till this day but what kills me the most is how difficult it is for me love someone truly. The fear of being used and touched, then not giving a care of what I feel.
"Do they love me or do they love me for my body?"
My mind is wrecked and my chest hurts. Will I be able to be human once again?
Tuesday, May 3, 2016 || Tuesday, May 03, 2016
Flowers on my head, demons in my mind x
Everyone knows I'm the most unmotivated person in the whole wide world. I mean, there might be people who are worst than I am but I'm saying that for those who has me as their friend, they would know that motivating me is the most difficult task ever. I would even bet that if you give them $5000 dollars just to motivate me, I think people who reject the task or would end up failing miserably.
I'm the type of person who doesn't bother thinking about many things but I do think of things that doesn't benefit me at all. Exams and tests? Its so difficult for me to studying until like a day before the actual exam. I tend to overthink and get jealous when other people talk to my friends and I'm left in the corner alone. I have no particular goal in life. I wanted to be and author at first, then a councilor then a forklift driver. My goals are never fixed, just like my hair. A wild mane in the loose.
the lost kid x
Tuesday, January 12, 2016 || Tuesday, January 12, 2016
His mother threw him against the walls,
"mother stop!" his voice echoes through the halls.
He fell on his knees,
bleeding and not at ease.
Crying for help,
no one heard his yelp.
His mother slapped him across his face,
blood from his head, he taste.
He built up all strength, got up,
out the door, he fell out.
Ran away as fast as he could,
coming back to this house he never would.
He's a lost child,
trying to find love,
out in the wild.
Its been five days.
Running and walking thru the woods,
he's hungry, searching for food.
He lays down on the grass to rest,
looking up, staring at all the nests.
Mothers built for their children,
safe, sound and never threatened.
" be gone child, no one wants you."
He remembered the words that were so damn true.
A tear he sheds,
and above the beautiful sky, dead.
His mother staring up the sky
five days, the time pass by.
" Where has that boy went to?"
She wondered about what to do.
The flashback came,
the blood trickling down her son's face.
She clenched her fists tight,
and hit her head on the walls, dazed.
The sound of her son's screams,
replaying in the ears like broken dreams.
Ran out of the house, panting.
She wondered where that boy was staying.
She began her search,
into this cruel, sick world.
He wakes up, broke into sweat.
Oh, he thought he was dead.
He looked around in this unfamiliar place.
Staring from afar, a beautiful face.
He came and held the boy,able to feel the pain.
As the clouds become darker, soon to rain.
He carried him in a cave,
" hi, my name is dave."
Hearing his husky voice,
the boy pushed him away with all his force.
"Please dont hurt me, I'm already broken."
And into a deep sleep the boy had fallen.
|| Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Its been awhile since I blogged and the last time I did, I was sure a depressing kid. But hey, we go through ups and downs and what matters the most is that we get through it, only to get stronger.
The thing about humans is that its difficult for us to let go. We love the person too much and when they hurt us the most, we can't bare to let everything go. I'm not saying this from personal experience because I let go when it comes to the point where I don't feel loved, we fight every single day, communication gets lesser and I cry every time. Now now, you can't say that I didn't fight for the relationship.
I fought so hard for it. I try everything single thing, even things that forces me to put down my pride. But if all fails, I just pack up and leave. Because what's the point of staying in a relationship if both of you are unhappy? I never liked staying with a person who makes me feel so small and insecure. If you doubt me, there's a chance I might never treat you the same way as before.
Narrow minded as it seems, I just don't want to get hurt even more.
I know love is a big thing. And girls, most of em, not all of em, wants to be the one who changes the guy for the better. Like those 'playboy turn in to a loyal boyfriend after this girl' type of lame ass cliche story. Of course we all love our partners and we will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship fresh and ongoing.
But what if the guy/girl:
(a) Stops texting you sweetly, or when you first met
(b) abuse is becoming a thing between the both of you
(c) you find yourself crying even more
(d) he/she finds reasons to go out with his mates and not you
(e) you just don't feel happy to be in this relationship.
What if? Would you really want to waste your precious time in this godforsaken relationship? Just dump his or her sorry ass and move on. I'm not saying that yguys should not work things out. I'm just saying that if all fails, just move on. Take him or her as a stepping stone to finding a better one in the future.
Learn from your mistakes and never choose someone like him or her.
We are humans and we have flaws.
We can't just expect a perfect partner to be staring at us right in the face. There are things that we have to accept. But there are limits in what you can take in.
Love is something that stops us from facing reality. But seriously and honestly speaking, why stay when you can get up and move on?
Why stay and waste your beautiful tears on something so trivial?
Your girlfriends and boyfriends are just part and parcel of life. They come and go.
But what about your friends? Your family?
Why waste your fuhken time crying over that pathetic fool when you can go out with your friends and not give a single fuck about partners and relationships?
I've had enough of people coming to me and saying that they're not happy in this relationship. And even though I don't like becoming the deciding factor, I always say what I honestly feel.
And what I really feel is that if he or she is not keeping you happy, then I don't see a reason why you should still hang on.
Cause who knows, he or she might be cheating on you.
i hate life
Wednesday, June 3, 2015 || Wednesday, June 03, 2015
Right now, after so long, I'm blogging once again. And guess what I'm feeling? well you thought right, I'm depressed as eff. I don't even know why i turned out this way. One day i felt so beautiful so care-free so happy and all of a sudden, my heart drops and my tears fell out. I never felt so lost and tired before. I never really mean it but I wanted to leave. To leave this world, this country. I want to be somewhere. At a place where no one knows me and I'm all alone. To delete and leave all these effed emotions behind and just run away to a foreign country.
I wanted to be happy, you know? But why did it turn out this way? Why did I have to break down and fall out? Its like I was walking on a wide path with flowers and candy all over and suddenly, the dream stops and only to disappear. As it fades away, I saw a narrow, broken road it was filled with skulls and broken hearts but it was filled with holes.
There's a hole in my soul.
And I can't seem to fix it back together again. It doesn't seem like I'm trying hard enough, but I really am. I loved myself so much before. I love the way I look even though many would think I'm fat and ugly. But i LOVED myself. What about now? Why did I start having smaller appetites and a worn-out-sad face? I cry to myself every morning and every night. Me wishing for someone to understand how I feel. There's so many emotions in my mind, its a mess, but I can't say it out. I can't think of perfect words to describe this unknown negative feeling that is killing me ever so slowly.
I'm finally colorless.
I've became dull, boring and lifeless. There's no more color, no more happiness in my soul. I'm grey and I'm slowly fading into the abyss. I don't even see myself smiling to random strangers anymore. I cry often in the train. I started to keep things to myself as well. I want to make myself happy with things I enjoy doing. But whats the point? It never worked. I remained the same. I remained colorless. I don't even know what I'm feeling, honestly.
It has came to the point where I'm just so tired of every single thing.
I don't angry mad when people don't reply my texts.
Don't get happy when the person I love texts me.
Never get hungry when my favorite food is right in front of me.
Not excited when I'm going out shopping.
Don't feel a thing when I watch anime.
So many things to say but I can't utter a word out. Keep my mouth shut because everyone will think I'm crazy. Shut my mind off everything and keep the emotions out.
"Don't feel a thing, don't feel a thing." She said to herself as she cried to herself in her room.
don't be afraid, just go with it
Friday, March 27, 2015 || Friday, March 27, 2015
To fall in love, was never my plan.
But whats this? Im starting all over again.
I tell myself to never trust.
After the last was filled with hate and disgust.
Yet you got my heart beating.
Your words never made me stop believing.
That maybe i should try again.
To find the love i haven't obtain.
Could I have you by my side?
to you i have always confide.
But what would i do if i mess up?
What if my life is just filled with back luck?
Fear of not being enough, the fear that the challenges will be rough.
I don't know what made me think this way,.
Why has my heart turn to the darkest shade of gray?
The confidence that I used to show to the world,
why it used to bloom yet now its just whorled.
I wish I was able to change back to the mindset that I've developed,
blocking all unknown things that were irrelevant.
I wish i never had to choose in the first place,
which decision i'm confident to embrace.
Maybe ill get up and get on going. For I am forever finding.
as to the real reason of my birth,
but maybe, just maybe, I'll even find my self-worth.
The journey won't be easy, that i expect,
for i will walk this road as i reflect.
Have i done the right this far?
or have i wounded myself with dangerous scars?
That will pull me back once i've become stronger,
and push me back to the past that i am no longer.
The way you speak, they way you make my heart flutter,
i don't wish for our fate to shatter.
I'm trying my best to go with the flow,
never to rush things and stick to what I know.
I will never expect greater things,
for i am happy with what happiness my life brings.
break the empire
Monday, February 2, 2015 || Monday, February 02, 2015
[Let the ocean take me. ]
So lately, things.. has been quiet and I somewhat enjoy this peace that I have obtained from sacrificing the things I used to love. These weeks that I've walked side by side with my friends, I've learnt that happiness can be achieved not only by being loved. It can be achieved by spending times with the ones you truly care and feel belonged. We tend to make decisions that will mess up our future, but we were all young once, we all we gotta do is to learn. To never make the same mistake twice and if we did, stop immediately and do something that will benefit you. There were reasons to my sacrifice and I really don't want to list all of it. Partly was also because I've lost all emotions and I could not feel. "Faking a smile" may sound cliche but I guess to put it in a simple sentence, lets just say that what I felt before wasn't there anymore.
To be honest, no one knows where it went and why did it leave. Emotions, are so difficult to control, its like a rebellious child. You try to contain it yet by the end of the day, all hell goes loose and you find yourself exposed by a set of anger, fear and sadness. However, I will not lie that I am healing and finding myself, even though it is taking quite awhile.
I've cried to myself and I told myself how much I'm so done with everything and I wanted to cry. But with all of this, I know that God has something else in stored for me. We might never know what it is, but we gotta believe that everything will be okay.
Sure, there were times whereby I really wanted to leave and run away, but my mother loves me, and I woulnt never do anything to hurt her.
All in all, we are all humans and we tend to make mistakes. If you fail, get up and try again but never block someone's way just because you are struggling to get over the tall hill. And if you fail again, remember why you decided to this. Remember your willingness and your strength. Forget your worries, fear and melancholy.