Tuesday, March 5, 2013

You can choke on your misery.

I've been called a disgusting person , I've been bad mouthed before. I know that, so why do you have to say I'm the only being at fault? I know I always say I'm lonely , but is it my fault that I feel that way? No, because sometimes I realize that friends cant always be there for you. So when they leave me all alone, of course I feel lonely.
At times, that solitude is so bad, I feel like crying. Sometimes I feel the urge to take that rusty blade and do things to myself. I dont know what I feel. Is it just solitude that I feel? I know there's more, but I don't know what it is. It hurts so bad sometimes, I cry myself at night. I'd be figuring what this feeling I am having, but I can't get it right. I feel lost, numb, useless and down. I feel a mixture of anger and a sense of solitude. A teacher I know told me " Be comfortable with your solitude." 
How am I to become comfortable with this feeling when I dont even like it? I used to have people being  around me and making me laugh. But after different kinds of rumor that is going around, people's perspective me of changed. This one person called me disgusting cos I was bisexual. 
I know its just one person, but it kinda hurts. You all might think that " oh please, thats just one person." but that one person hurt me THAT bad I nearly wanted to cry and jump down. 
That person judge me infront of me. Saying that I was disgusting. 
I dont know what I'm feeling really. At school, i feel this way. At home, i feel even worst. Parents always blaming me for everything just because I am the oldest child. I know I have responsibilities, but not every bad thing that happen in the household is my fault. Is it my fault that the house is messy? No, because I'm barely home. Is it my fault that my siblings suck at math? No, because its up to them to study hard and not fail.
The world is a cruel and shallow place. And times i like it, but most of the times, I really really hate it. 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Don't ever trust the devil bitch.

the only way out of here, is the way I avoided for all my life. 

Have you ever felt numb and useless at times? As you lay there on your bed at night, thinking about how life treated you.. At times, things may go perfect and you finally feel happy. But after awhile, things start to go bad again and all you wanna do is cry and keep it all to yourself. 
I know how you feel, ive been there, ive done that.
But what you gotta know is that, you cant always keep things to yourself. I know, you feel invisible to everyone. I know you feel as if youre not good enough. But every one has their own personality. Everyone is special and weird in a good way.

Like there was this time.. I lost everything. From my close friends , to my parents trust to my crush. And guess what, i did what I would think i should do. I self harmed my body. The cuts on my body wasnt as bad as how life was treating me at that time. I was bullied, I was judged, i was a loser nobody likes. Up till now, i still am. But what i learnt, is that you should never care about what society thinks of you. If you like that certain thing, then go ahead and like it even though society thinks lowly of it. 
Because in the end, the only acceptance you need is yourself. You are who you are and no one has the rights to bring you down. If they are the ones who bully you, tease you, make fun of you, well, those assholes are stupid people. Just because they are 'popular' and 'cool' they think its fun to make fun of people who arent 'popular.' 
well, suck balls . You people can just rot in hell. Because of people like you , teenagers are self harming themselves more, and the number of suicide is increasing each year. You selfish freaks dont know because you guys are the ones who made them feel like shit and caused them to die. 
Those people are always being left alone in the dark because they have no one to lean on. They have no one to rant their feelings too. They are the lonely ones. They are the ones who need help. not you selfish bastards who complain when you dont have anyone to go out with. 

fuck you bastards, just fuck you. 

I love the broken ones, because I'm one of them. And I'm fucking proud of it, whore. 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

You take the breath right out of me.

So hey guys, just another post c: 
Life has been pretty hard for me and family nowadays, in terms of income. Yeah, but I guess I can't really complain cos yknow, my parents education werent really high, so it's kinda hard for them to get a job. And I havent been really eating well either. It's like, yeah I have my money to bring to school and eat lunch, but sometimes, I have to starve myself in the afternoon for afternoon classes cos I'm saving my money for lunch the next day. My parents are fighting regularly too. Its kind of hard to say, but everytime they fight about something, I will start tearing up and be like a shitty coward and hide myself in the room. And once I'm in the room, no body knows except me. Cos every one is busy fighting and going against each other. I wanna help, really.. But I just dont know how. I know I can't afford anything much.. And my parents can't buy much things for me either. But, as long as there is enough food on the table and they can afford to pay my school fees, I'm okay with it. Cos, without education, we can go nowhere. That's why I'm studying real hard this year to get a scholarship and make my parents proud. 
And of course, I know its hard since I can't really afford any tuition or any assesment books to help me, but I will make it through somehow. Cos I know that I'm not the only one who suffers like this. There are people who are much more worst than me. Some don't even have a home. 
Some times when I don't eat during afternoon, people will ask me, " why arent you eating?" Sometimes i will just tell them that I'm not hungry. Which is true, most of the time. But at times, its just cos I cant afford it. And when some people find out that I actually dont have enough money, they would lend me money. But, I dont want that. I dont want people to pity me. I just want them to treat me normally, as one of their friends. And not one of those friends who can't afford pretty much everything.
And since I'm taking a very important exam this year, I can't be too stressed out about this. But what worries me most is my parents not being able to pay for my examination fees. Its like.. $280 fucking dollars. Sigh, 

Sometimes  I wish I had enough money for my education. I know I can't complain. 
So I just have to accept reality. 


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