Tuesday, March 5, 2013

You can choke on your misery.





I've been called a disgusting person , I've been bad mouthed before. I know that, so why do you have to say I'm the only being at fault? I know I always say I'm lonely , but is it my fault that I feel that way? No, because sometimes I realize that friends cant always be there for you. So when they leave me all alone, of course I feel lonely.
At times, that solitude is so bad, I feel like crying. Sometimes I feel the urge to take that rusty blade and do things to myself. I dont know what I feel. Is it just solitude that I feel? I know there's more, but I don't know what it is. It hurts so bad sometimes, I cry myself at night. I'd be figuring what this feeling I am having, but I can't get it right. I feel lost, numb, useless and down. I feel a mixture of anger and a sense of solitude. A teacher I know told me " Be comfortable with your solitude." 
How am I to become comfortable with this feeling when I dont even like it? I used to have people being  around me and making me laugh. But after different kinds of rumor that is going around, people's perspective me of changed. This one person called me disgusting cos I was bisexual. 
I know its just one person, but it kinda hurts. You all might think that " oh please, thats just one person." but that one person hurt me THAT bad I nearly wanted to cry and jump down. 
That person judge me infront of me. Saying that I was disgusting. 
I dont know what I'm feeling really. At school, i feel this way. At home, i feel even worst. Parents always blaming me for everything just because I am the oldest child. I know I have responsibilities, but not every bad thing that happen in the household is my fault. Is it my fault that the house is messy? No, because I'm barely home. Is it my fault that my siblings suck at math? No, because its up to them to study hard and not fail.
The world is a cruel and shallow place. And times i like it, but most of the times, I really really hate it. 

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