Friday, April 26, 2013

My aunt.

x i'm laying on my bed.. Thinking about the memories me & my aunt once had in this unfair but beautiful life. Always pampering me with gifts and food ( thats why i'm so fat) . Always siding my and care for me when my mother is scolding me.. Always tell me to achieve in life & keep doing my best.
There was once she told me " i wanna see you graduating from university & I'm right beside you, in the photo. I also want to see you marry some one who will love you."
Sweet aye? Too bad i might never see her again.. What if she leaves? I'll be a walking travesty. I need her in my life, she means so much to me. I cant let her go like that. I havent said the words I needed to say, to her. Please.. I want you to br alive.. Please..
Ya Allah, please save her. She's too young . I dont ever want to loose her, pleAse.

Monday, April 1, 2013

So long and goodnight.

There are times when I feel that I'm not wanted at all. Sometimes I feel that everyone hates me, and everyone would be better off witthout me.. Why do I feel this way? 
Everytime I'm happy, there will be something sad that will block my way to happiness.  At times I wanna jump down from the bridge and kill myself. at times, I wanna bleed to death. & at times, I wanna take sleeping pills and sleep forever. 
My Chemical Romance told me, " I am not afraid to walk this world alone.." 
Well, its true. I was never afraid to walk it all by myself. But what I was afraid was, the people who are in it. The people scares me. They tell you to be who you are , and don't fake it. But when you are yourself, they will constantly judge you and some will even make fun of you. 
So why try being yourself? Might as well be someone you arent. 
Sometimes, its not only the strangers who judge you..
Sometimes its your family who will always tell you that you're stupid or dumb. And that they should have never given birth to me. They will say that there's no use for me to be around and that I should be gone.. After what they all said, why am I still here? Why am I still here? 
even though I keep telling myself that everyone is better of without me.. Awhile after that, I remind myself that without me around, the people wouldn't be who they are now. They might be someone who are even emotional than they are now. They might be bad people. 
But after that 'positive' thinking, the negativity comes back again.. and whispers to me " you were never needed. they're just using you. go and die, cunt. " 
Sometimes I really wonder why I haven't build up the courage to run away from everything. Why I haven't decided to kill myself. 
" I am not suicidal... yet." 

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