“A V I E ”
Sunday, December 22, 2013 || Sunday, December 22, 2013
" baby, I'll be by your side. "
The sound of the radio, playing in my ears. The raindrops the hitting on the glass ceiling of my house. I see the scars on my wrists, wanting to die over and over again. Why can't I just accept myself and be happy? Why is it so difficult to love this fat and ugly girl I see in the mirror every single day? I began to cry.. The tears smudge my eyeliner away, I look ridiculous.
Every day in school, I lead the life of a loner kid whom every seems to know somehow, but just want to avoid. I actually knew why I was avoided though.
Because of the background of my life. I was a poor kid, with only a mother struggling to keep food on the table. Every called me a bastard
Ever since the first day of high school, all of them looked at me differently. Like I never belonged. But it was a school, its a place where students are supposed to study, no matter what background you were from. So I decided to keep it in, and not tell anyone about the pain everyone in school was giving me. I go to school, ignore all the staring eyes and the insults they shout at me. Studied and avoided the spitballs people threw at me. Went home immediately when the school bell rings just to avoid the crow at the hallway.
To be honest, I'm not alone. There's someone in school who lives the same way as I do, but he has a father instead. And the kids who bully him are far more worst than mine. They would beat him up in the toilets and follow him all the way home just to be verbally bullied.
I know it sounds stupid, but I got a stupid crush on this fragile yet strong guy who would seem like he would know me best. But I can only look at his perfectly shaped eyes and hair that falls at the side of his face from far. Even though his life seems a little like mine, I could NEVER build up the courage to be friends with this guy. Because I was afraid that even the victims of this school wouldn't even accept me.
I pass by him a few times, but never had the courage to say hi. My heart beats so fast every time I see him. Sure, he was always alone and was always bullied. But when he's alone, its as though there's a light shining on him saying, " He's the one for you."
Until one day, something happened.
I see him walking towards me. His weak body, about to fall of anytime soon. I wish I could just hug him and tell people to back off. But how could I? Seeing that I was one of the victims as well. Dreaming, I didn't realize he was just in front of me. He waved his palm across my face, trying to get my attention.
When he did, I stared at him as if I never seen a boy as beautiful as him before.
He smiled and brought out his hand. Motioning to shake mind.
"hey, my name is Alan. Sorry it took me so long to introduce myself.. I just couldn't , well you know, make you be bullied worst than you already were. " He said, scratching the back of his head.
" Then why now? I'm still being bullied, yaknow?" I looked at him differently.
" Hanah, I realized that we both are alike. Somehow. I've been looking at you for awhile now, but you never looked back. When I had the balls to go up to you and greet you, you would already be scurrying off somewhere. Sometimes during break, I would see you sit alone and a bunch of girls would go up to you and insult the hell out of you. But you seemed so strong, because you never cried and make yourself look weak in front of them. And thats what lead me to you. Today. I realized that.. My small little emotions for you, I can't keep inside me any longer. " He said those last few words, and blushed.
I didn't know how to react. This guy whom I have been looking at, was looking at me all along and I never even noticed it.
Without thinking, I held his hand and ran out of the school all the way to my favourite park.
I stared at his eyes, not knowing what to say next.
His eyes moved from my face to my wrists.
" Hanah, did you.. do this? " He looks afraid.
"y-yeah.. it looks horrible huh?" I try to sound funny, but it didn't work. The scars brings me a lot of pain inside.
He brings my wrists near his face and plant kisses on each of them. I thought it would sting, but it didn't. He then embraced me with all his might and my eyes starting pouring. Never have anyone held me this tight before. Never had I felt this warmth that was surrounding me.
I felt loved and cared for.
by this fragile victim.
Thursday, December 19, 2013 || Thursday, December 19, 2013
N levels results to be taken in a few hours. My heart is pumping so hard, its about to come out from my chest.
I can feel the pressure killing me, I wish to die a hole.
What if I failed? What can I do? My parents will kill me.
I studied my brains off and I did my very best, I just wish they could see it that way.
I don't mind if I got 19 points, thats enough, really.
But nothing above 20.
Thinking about this really makes me go crazy.
The first time I feel so nervous and fear overwhelms my body.
If I pass, I'll be the happiest person in the world.
I will jump around like mad and smile to EVERY SINGLE ONE and thank Allah a billion times because he was the one who helped me pass.
But thats the thing.
IF I PASS.
WHAT IF I FAILED?
this could be my last post guys, my laptop and phone could be taken away once I get my results and found out that I actually failed.
I'm so scared I feel like crying right now. My chest hurts so much, the pressure is killing me.
I never wanted to disappoint my parents, thats why I ACTUALLY studied for this exam. But what's the point of studying hard if I failed right?
Everyone else would pass cos they are smarter than me.
I'm the stupid one.
I'm so stupid.
Why was I even born ?
Sold Off /
Monday, December 9, 2013 || Monday, December 09, 2013
All your faults to me, make you more beautiful..
As I lay down on this ragged up bed in this noisy house, I wonder to myself.. Why I haven't ran away from this broken and dirty place? All they do to me is touch me and destroy my innocence.
I remembered 3 years ago when my father sold me to this rich guy, Mr Edwards, to clear of his debts. In return of selling me off, his debt was cleared.
Obviously mom would disagree with this, but its a bummer she left us when she gave birth to me.
Dad always blamed me for mom's death after that. I knew it wasn't entirely my fault, cuz I knew that while mom was pregnant, dad kept abusing her.
When dad sold me of, I felt heartbroken. No one would love this girl with big blue eyes and pretty curls because this girl was dirty.
Every morning I would wake Mr Edwards up and make him breakfast. When he goes to work, I have to do his laundry and clean up the house. And when he comes back to see the house not cleaned, he'll punish me in a way that a 14 year old shouldn't be punished. He would strip me of and abuse me sexually everywhere.
I felt so dirty.. Even though he does this to me, I felt a more sense of hatred to my father who sold me off. If he was human, he wouldn't sell his own child to a perverted old man. I felt the world on my shoulder, I wanted someone to love me. I felt so lonely.
The only friend I had was that guy I see at the supermarket almost every single day. I'm not boasting of anything, but he has an interest in me.
One day, I'll make enough money and buy you off from that motherf*cker. I'm going to make you my wife and I will always love you.
Was what he said.
He was the only one who knew what was happening but neither of us had the balls to report about this sexual harrasment I've been getting every single day. Everyday, I would wait for Alex to get enough money to buy me off. He was so.. inspired. He was so keen to get me off this living hell, that I feel bad because I don't feel the same way about him.
I know this sounds mean.. But I couldn't help it. That perverted old man has taken away all my emotions that I feel completely empty.
One day.. I decided to tell Alex what's in my mind.
Alex, I know you love me and all. But seeing you being so hardworking into getting money to get me out of this hell hurts me so much. Because I can't return you the love you are showing me.. I'm sorry, but all my emotions are trapped deep deep inside and I can't bare to see you hurt. I'm sorry.. but I shouldn't be such a burden.
And with that, I left him speechless. I ran away with tears in my eyes. I told him I don't feel a thing for him, but why is my heart stinging and aching?
As I entered the house of hell,my heart sank. I couldn't take this living hell anymore. I wanted to run away,but I was so afraid of the risks. What if he finds me? And what would happen after he finds me?
I wanted to run back to the supermarket to find Alex, but I knew it wouldn't be the best idea yet..
I laid back on my bed and went to sleep.. Forgetting the world.
4 years later //
I got up from bed, scurrying to the ground floor to fix breakfast for my Master.(Mr Edwards)
But he already went to work, so I just ate by myself.. still hurting.
All he does is torture me.
Isin't he human?
I walked out the door to get the papers and there I saw a familiar face.
That boy.. Alex..
He was smilling brightly at me, with flowers on hand.
Remembered how before I didn't have feelings for him? Well, after I disappeared from his life, I started to realize how he means the world to me. But never have I ever stepped back to the supermarket to say hey.
He walked towards me slowly, and hugged me ever so tight. Never have I felt this warmth full of love and care for so long. As I stare into space, I saw a black sedan parked along the street and I knew.. That he was finally coming to get me.
After that night.. you got me even more motivated to work harder and make more money.
I quited my job at the supermarket and got a job at this huge ass building. Oh, they pay me good money allright.
I'm sorry I took so long to come and save you.
I still love you and I know you love me too. I knew because they tears in your eyes were regretful that you said you wanted to leave me.
Now love.. Can I buy you off and love you forever?
These beautiful words I heard from this man who worked his ass off for me..
As he hugged me once more, I cried as he kissed me softly.
Story inspired by Dia Frampton's Walk Away.
That One Night ; A story I wrote .
Sunday, December 8, 2013 || Sunday, December 08, 2013
The sound of thunder is as loud as ever. I'm home all alone, waiting for my mother to come home.
I'm scared.. Scared of what can harm me.
I don't want to be injured; mentally.
Everyone dislikes me, why do I still live?
I should just die.. Everyone would be better that way, right?
I typed the last letters on my blog, wanting my mother to hug me tight with full of warmth and care.. How I wish she was still here. She was the only being that still loves me. I was such a burden to everyone else, but my mother was the only one who gave me a reason to live.
But after she left this disgusting world 5 years ago, I've been finding another reason to live. To be happy.
However, no many how hard I tried, I failed & gave up. Because I would be better of dead.
I took out an album full of my mother's pictures and tears rolled down my red cheeks. How I wish she was still here to be able to tell me that she loves me and she will always protect me.
Why do people hate me, you ask?
Because I was a loser at school. Nobody likes me cos I was the biggest freak. Having known to be a loner to everyone else and nobody dared to come near me. To be honest, I am actually a fun person to be with.. But everyone seems to make fun of me because I have no father. The tease me all day long at school and throw rubbish at me. They follow me home and make fun of my broken family. They call me names that hurts me deeply inside. Everyday I feel so disliked I ended up skipping school and spent most of my time at this cafe, called " The Wallflower."
Basically, that place is full of people like me. People who are bullied and teased every single day, & have no one to turn to.. But what I really liked about this place is that ; there's this guy I really liked.
His name was Jason.. He had green eyes and his black hair falls down perfectly at his face. He has this piercing on his lips that makes him so sexy. But who knew this hottie was actually abused by his own parents was called and teased of being gay?(he actually isint) We would hang out by the cafe sometimes and drink our favourite chocolate latte and he would tell me the ways he wanted to commit suicide. I couldn't stop him.. Because he was really hurting inside and he couldn't take it anymore.
He tried to slit his wrist and ended up in the hospital , not in heaven.
Everyday, I would fall even deeply for him because of his background. I just feel like hugging him and tell him that it's gonna be okay, even though I know it won't be alright so soon. I was uneaducated, and unemployed.
He was abused and all day everyday, I would spent my time with him. Trying to make him feel wanted because obviously the parents didn't want him. I just love him so much..
That one night, he called up to me.
Hey.. can we meet up? I want to tell you something.
When he ended the call, my heart was beating so fast. Wondering what are the words he wanted to say.
I got up from bed and jogged my way to the cafe. There he was, drinking our chocolate latte and smilling at me. I walked up to him and sat. His hair was wet, maybe he just showered.
You know.. We've been meeting up and hanging out..
I.. I think I fell in love with you. I don't know how you feel about me but I really really
love you. I don't care if you don't like me back because this is how I feel.
I don't want you to be sad if I was to ever leave you the next day.
I just want you to know that I love you .
Was what he said.
I really love you too. Every single day, I fall even deeper. Because you knew how I feel.
Because we were always there for each other.
But.. what do you mean by leaving me the next day?
You can't do that.
I love you too much to let you go..
I replied him, crying my eyes out. He hugged me a kissed my softly on my lips. The kiss feels like eternity and I don't ever want to let this boy go. We talked for awhile and he wanted to sent me home.
We held hands on our trip back but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable.
Why is my heart aching even though I'm holding hands with the boy I love?
At the doorstep of my house he said; I love you, remember that.
And before I could say anything, he left.
The next morning, I woke up to get the papers out my door.
And I saw this blue note, paste on today's paper.
My hands started to sweat as I opened up the note.
I love you, I really do. I was planning to bring you out tomorrow, but I can't take it no more. When I sent you home that night, a few kids from my school ganged up on me. They were calling me faggot and gay and was punching and kicking me. It hurt.. It really did. When they stopped, one of them peed on me, and all I could do was cry. My heart was aching so much but as I thought of your love for me, I decided to stay strong..
But when I went home, my parents were by the door. My mother was holding a cane and my father was holding a thick leather belt. I knew what was going to happen. I closed my eyes as they started beating me up. Screaming, " you ungreatful son!" and " why dont you just die!?" At that point onwards.. I couldn't bear it anymore.
Right now, I'm in my room , trying to stay alive.. I'm holding these pills and alcohol. But no matter what I am planning to do, I just want to let you know that I really really trully love you. I would love to hold your hand once again, but maybe.. we'll meet again up there. but not here, in this disgusting world.
But please don't die because of me. I want you to keep living. To make yourself happy and successful. I'll be waiting for you up here when the time comes.
I'll be waiting, I love you.
but darling, who would love a suicidal girl?
Saturday, December 7, 2013 || Saturday, December 07, 2013
What's wrong with every single one of us? We keep telling people to be ourselves, but when they do, we judge them and put them in the wrong.
We humans, are monsters. Our insanity is trapped within us all, and its waiting for a time whereby it can finally be free and destroy every single human life.
That eight letter word means a lot in our lives but we never realize it.
We keep it so deep in our hearts because we don't want to be called 'crazy' by people but the fact is, being a little insane, is
honestly, I'm a little insane myself. I hurt myself for the pleasure, that masochistic side of me.
but whats wrong?
why do I feel bad every time I bleed myself?
Why do I regret it every single time as I drop the blade on the floor?
My salty tears drop as I wash away the stinging pain.
Nobody else knows but me.
because you're reading this.
Insanity kills us all. it calls out to us,
" bring us out? we'll destroy the ones who hurts you. we'll make you happy. we'll always be there."
but do we know.. that was Insanity says to us, is just our minds.
we can control what we want to think and what we dont want to.
Now repeat after me.
You don't want to be hurt.
You don't wanna cry.
You want to be happy.
You want to smile and try.
Now put that blade down, and wash away the stinging pain.
Cover your wrists and look in the mirror.
" I am beautiful. "
Now uncover your wrists.
" I am still beautiful."
Insanity will always be a part of us, but we are ourselves. and we control our minds.
save yourself, little fighter.