“A V I E ”
Sunday, December 22, 2013 || Sunday, December 22, 2013
" baby, I'll be by your side. "
The sound of the radio, playing in my ears. The raindrops the hitting on the glass ceiling of my house. I see the scars on my wrists, wanting to die over and over again. Why can't I just accept myself and be happy? Why is it so difficult to love this fat and ugly girl I see in the mirror every single day? I began to cry.. The tears smudge my eyeliner away, I look ridiculous.
Every day in school, I lead the life of a loner kid whom every seems to know somehow, but just want to avoid. I actually knew why I was avoided though.
Because of the background of my life. I was a poor kid, with only a mother struggling to keep food on the table. Every called me a bastard
Ever since the first day of high school, all of them looked at me differently. Like I never belonged. But it was a school, its a place where students are supposed to study, no matter what background you were from. So I decided to keep it in, and not tell anyone about the pain everyone in school was giving me. I go to school, ignore all the staring eyes and the insults they shout at me. Studied and avoided the spitballs people threw at me. Went home immediately when the school bell rings just to avoid the crow at the hallway.
To be honest, I'm not alone. There's someone in school who lives the same way as I do, but he has a father instead. And the kids who bully him are far more worst than mine. They would beat him up in the toilets and follow him all the way home just to be verbally bullied.
I know it sounds stupid, but I got a stupid crush on this fragile yet strong guy who would seem like he would know me best. But I can only look at his perfectly shaped eyes and hair that falls at the side of his face from far. Even though his life seems a little like mine, I could NEVER build up the courage to be friends with this guy. Because I was afraid that even the victims of this school wouldn't even accept me.
I pass by him a few times, but never had the courage to say hi. My heart beats so fast every time I see him. Sure, he was always alone and was always bullied. But when he's alone, its as though there's a light shining on him saying, " He's the one for you."
Until one day, something happened.
I see him walking towards me. His weak body, about to fall of anytime soon. I wish I could just hug him and tell people to back off. But how could I? Seeing that I was one of the victims as well. Dreaming, I didn't realize he was just in front of me. He waved his palm across my face, trying to get my attention.
When he did, I stared at him as if I never seen a boy as beautiful as him before.
He smiled and brought out his hand. Motioning to shake mind.
"hey, my name is Alan. Sorry it took me so long to introduce myself.. I just couldn't , well you know, make you be bullied worst than you already were. " He said, scratching the back of his head.
" Then why now? I'm still being bullied, yaknow?" I looked at him differently.
" Hanah, I realized that we both are alike. Somehow. I've been looking at you for awhile now, but you never looked back. When I had the balls to go up to you and greet you, you would already be scurrying off somewhere. Sometimes during break, I would see you sit alone and a bunch of girls would go up to you and insult the hell out of you. But you seemed so strong, because you never cried and make yourself look weak in front of them. And thats what lead me to you. Today. I realized that.. My small little emotions for you, I can't keep inside me any longer. " He said those last few words, and blushed.
I didn't know how to react. This guy whom I have been looking at, was looking at me all along and I never even noticed it.
Without thinking, I held his hand and ran out of the school all the way to my favourite park.
I stared at his eyes, not knowing what to say next.
His eyes moved from my face to my wrists.
" Hanah, did you.. do this? " He looks afraid.
"y-yeah.. it looks horrible huh?" I try to sound funny, but it didn't work. The scars brings me a lot of pain inside.
He brings my wrists near his face and plant kisses on each of them. I thought it would sting, but it didn't. He then embraced me with all his might and my eyes starting pouring. Never have anyone held me this tight before. Never had I felt this warmth that was surrounding me.
I felt loved and cared for.
by this fragile victim.