Wednesday, May 28, 2014

how long can we keep the distance

yaknow what I just realized, guys? I've never blogged much my personal life and all I ever blogged about is on either how beautiful life is or how suckish it is. I've never really talked much about what I do for the day and how many good friends I've got. Sure, in a few posts, I've talked about some people and where I'm studying now. But yaknow, details about me. There's nothing much really. So today, imma start writing about my days but most times, Imma just write about life. Like how I always do.

So firstly, many call me Izzah or Hana. I'm born on 21st Sept and I'm currently studying in ITE East. The course I'm taking is Logistics and yeah well, thats most of it. I had an idea of writing more than this but I can't seem to write more things. My mind's blocked, gah.

So far, life has been okay but I cant help but feel left out sometimes. Yeah i know, its not surprising la. I have always been an outcast but yup, I felt worst than before. My mind has not been stable and I've been over thinking. I don't even know whether anyone cares. Sometimes, I even forget who I am. Sitting here , alone in dark, i've been thinking about the nothing i have become. The shit I have done before.
I've made my parents so disappointed in me before.
I've left someone for someone else.
I left a friend for someone else I thought was better.
I've done a lot of shit, that I figured... where am i now?
What have I done that my mind is so insecure and lost?

See, look. I'm writing about life again. Gawd, I can't stop, can't I? Sorry guys, I'm trying real hard.


So yup, school's been a real bitch but what school doesnt? Logistics exam this Friday and BEV exam this friday. I'm gonna be in real deep shit cuz I suck.


Sunday, May 25, 2014

i need more than ifs and maybes

I wish I never felt this way. There's so many people around me. But I can't seem to be able to tell them anything about how I'm feeling. Why do I feel so lost in school. Feel like I don't and never will belong. I knew I'm not that important, but I would really enjoy some company while I'm walking alone. I don't want have the same interest as all of them. I need this small token of appreciation, yknow? I have so many things left to say. 
Why is it that a problem.
why can't I be wanted and missed too?
After all these months, it seems that I havent been able to move on. Everyone keeps telling that you aint worth it and its your loss that you decided to leave me. But tbh, I honestly think that I am the one at loss. Because you were ever so perfect, and you showed your love to me like no one else did. Its my fault that you left, aint it? 
My life was too complicated and you couldn't handle me. I was too emotionally unstable and you were afraid that I might kill myself if you do one single wrong thing. 
What's weird is that.. that one kiss, I still remember. How it all happened and what we did after that. 
How awkward it was to stand by your side. As we walked through the crowd. The staring eyes. The big buff guy and the fat short girl. 
It was never a pleasant sight in the first place. 
But it brightened up when you said my mother was your mother too. How cute and adorable your laughter was. 

I'm trying to move on so bad, but I just can't. I honestly don't know why, no matter how hard I try. I honestly don't know what to do next. My mind is so blank. We used to say, that we will always stick together. But now you're with somebody else. 
And I don't know what to feel, really. I'm happy you found someone who loves you like I do, but I'm so unsatisfied.  I promised to leave, and so I will.
Hope you're happy.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

arms around me

You know what's the happiest things in this world are? Seeing an old couple smiling, walking and holding hands. Seeing them kiss in the middle of nowhere just makes me wonder if these things will ever happen to me. When they laugh, it just makes me happy, no matter how ruined my day is. It makes me happy that they are together, and still happy, after all these years. Some of them still wear couple tees and its beautiful. You may think its weird seeing an old couple kissing by the bench at the park. but I think thats what you are supposed to call LOVE. Realizing that you cant live without each other and stay true to one another. That's what love is supposed to be. 

You know what's the second most happiest thing is? Falling in love. Sure, it may be an annoying to some, but I think, with the right person, its the most almost perfect thing ever. Falling in love, having someone to talk to when youre lonely at night, waking up to good morning texts and meeting up with the special someone. Can't you see, that no matter who you are, you tend to get lonely and WANT to find that certain someone? I'm not gunna lie, I wanna find someone too. but I just aint to interesting or pretty enough like all my other friends hahahaha. But what can I do except wait for my Prince Charming? I dont care whether he's stuck in the toilet bowl or smth, if its meant to be, then he'll come. If its not, then what can I do? hahahah seriously though. Life's not a fairytale. Its all about who you find in life and the people who can make you happy. One day, you'll be truly happy and you don't have to worry about not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Because it doesnt matter.

It doesnt matter who you are and how you look like. Life's a bitch and it can kick you in the ass. But when its not an asshole, it can be nice too. Somehow, someday, youre bound to find someone who will love you as who you are. With or without make-up, with or without clothes and with or without your beautiful smile. 
Someone who will accept your perfect imperfections. 
Life can be a pain in the ass, but all you gotta do is wait.
Because good things takes time.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


This is that lie, of a smile, that kept telling people that I was fine. When I'm actually not. This was the smile, that I hated so much, because it doesn't go with my complicated life. 

Its sad how lonely it gets at times when everyone's on the phone talking to someone and I'm just there... Talking to no one, because everyone's too busy with their lovers. I miss the times where phones were a luxury and instead of playing games in the phone, we play games at playgrounds or at the void decks.
Instead of social media, we had to go out  and actually meet them up face to face. Sometimes, a part of me just want to burn every phone in the world because it is such a distraction. I'm saying this because I myself is guilty too.  

It really gets lonely sometimes and its sad to say that nothing fills up that big hole in my heart no matter how many friends i have or how many laughters per day. Its just aint the same anymore.. I wake up in the morning and there's no one sending me cute texts or texts that makes me have butterflies in my tummy. I dont get any texts at all. My phone's so empty and silent. 

Everyone's getting their lovers.. Where's mine? Dont bother telling me, " one day ." Or " your time will come." Because it doesnt. Its not a fairytale and its obvious on how no one wants this fat and ugly girl (despite how awesome she is.) the streets are filled with love and I have my own cloud of sadness and despair.

Friday, May 9, 2014

the lonely

So today, I had an argument with one of my friend's friend. And well, it got me thinking bout my past again. Thats the shitty thing bout my blog, i keep talking about my past.
Well, its not my fault things in the present tend to make me think about what happened before?
So it got me thinking about how this dude I liked a lot used me to just get closer to my friends and it kinda sucks cuz well, I felt cheated as hell.
And my friend's friend was talking about how my friend was using him when she was actually not. She just wasnt interested and now I know that that guy I used to guy, wasnt that all interested in me in the first place.
I dont know why I cried so much that day, but I know that was the first time I ever had my heart broken.

Friday, May 2, 2014


Sigh. Today was a long long day and it was real difficult, really. Banana was ridiculously a hottie and I cant even.. I cant see him being with me. Hais. 
So I stalked my ex today. and I'm like on the verge of crying. DUDE, WHY CANT I GET THE FUCK OVER YOU. Why is my mind so... sigh.
But I spent  the day with Chris, Noorjan and Celeste and yeah.. it turned out better. i think. I hope.
My mind cant stop thinking how lonely I am even though Im filled with laughter and happiness all day long. 
I just cant take this pain anymoreeeeeeeeeeee.
Every single day man. It hurts me like one motherfucker. I just cant help it and wake up in the middle of the night and think about the things that I shouldnt think about. 
And then there it is, the tears of this manly girl. 
I try not to cry, but it doesnt work. Only to make it worst. 
I remember the times we spent together. 
The nights and days on the phone. 
How we were always on skype and we didnt had each others numbers.
And once we did, we talked like every single day.
But I got... complicated. 
And I regret that truly. Which something that I dont do often. 
I remember our first kiss. 
Right after that scene when Ron and Hermoine did. 
Why did you have to push my hopes so high and push it down like a real asshole.
youre a fucking asshole i swear but I cant stop thinking about you..

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