Friday, June 13, 2014

welcome to the not so perfect life

Know what sucks the most? When you're at home alone and shits got you thinkin bout the love and care I dont deserve. And how other people should have it instead. Thinking back, I've always pushed away the things I think I shouldnt deserve because I might end up hurting them if they stayed. People told me they loved me, and I always had trouble saying it back because I will just end up hurting them. It has always been that way and its been awhile since I felt loved. 
To those I have kept my distance, I'm really truly sorry.
I have shoved you aside because I figured your love should be for someone else.
Sure, I may be happy.
I may seem like I've moved on.
But I still think of all our memories. 
As much as I try not to push you away, I end up doing it.
Because hurting you will what I end up doing.
Even the friends I have now, I will just end up doing what I always do. 
This habit, its getting worst day by day because i've becoming more silent. 
I had no one to share anything to.
Because I cant seem to feel no shit.
No one told me that I was beautiful.
No one told me how much they love me.
I keep insulting people because thats my way of keeping my distance. 
Pushing away people has been a way for me not to get hurt and not to get others hurt. 
I always believed that I should never deserve love.
I always believed that I should never deserve the attention others are giving me.
Because I never deserve such good people I've been keeping my side all this while. 
Ever since I was young, every since that incident, I told myself that I should and will never be loved. I told myself how ridiculous my life is and I should just lay down and suffer. 
You guys won't be able to understand this feeling; but this is it.
After all this while, ive been keeping this huge secret. 
Of why I keep pushing people away.
Its because ever since I was young, someone took my emotion to cherish people.
Why do you think I cry every night, thinking about the things I try to do well but cant? 
Why do you think I'm always quiet at times?
Its because I'm finding ways to change, 
but the things never get thru me.
I'm sorry guys.
It ain't your fault.
It has always been mine.


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