Tuesday, November 25, 2014

stability


emotions, oh my unstable emotions. 
Where have you been?
Its been awhile since i've last seen you. How am I? 
Oh yes, I have been perfectly fine. 
Why did you come back? Why did you come back to haunt me once again? 
I have become so happy and so cheerful, why did you appear right before my eyes.
To destroy the happiness I created from scratch. 
To destroy my mind once again, & to create another demon within my deep, dark soul.
To think about the things that will NEVER happen. 
But you,, you keep telling me that it WILL & everything I created will break. 
Into millions and millions of pieces and that nothing will ever be the same again. 
I hate you, unstable emotions. 
You make me insane, I never liked you. Life was perfectly fine before you came to seek revenge when i threw you away. 

Every seems to be telling that I should 'cheer up' and 'man up'. But how could I?
You're telling me not to otherwise.. you'll make things worst. 
I can't believe you came back.. Why now of all times? 
I am so tempted to just pick up a cigarette like the old times and forget about every. single. thing. 
but i can't. and I wont. I won't go back to where I was before but its too darn difficult. 
You're making me insane.. I can't think straight.
You keep telling me to push everyone away and to just keep everything to yourself.
Your reminder keeps playing over and over in my head.. 
Telling me how I'm never good enough and how nothing will ever love me again.
I'll never find happiness and that i have to fall once again.

The day i broke down, I knew you were coming back.
I bit my lips, trying not to scream , " fuck off!" 
I wanted to tell you to go away. To not come near me.


Maybe i'm crazy. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

we crave a different kind of buzz


Isint it sad when you know you used to mean the world to someone and suddenly, when yguys don't keep in contact anymore, they forget about you, totally. 
There was this person, we'll call the person A. So A and I used to talk a lot, because A and I have a lot in common. Like, we used to listen to the same bands and A was facing depression as well. In the whole of A's 2 years, I was A's friend. I was there for A all day, err day. Everytime A needed me, I never fail to meet up with A. 
I wrote A letters because A always think that she's ugly. 
I always told her that she was beautiful and that someday, someone will love her the way she is. A was bullied a lot, and didnt had anyone much to talk to. Except me. And I was glad that I help A overcome her depression for the next 2 years. 
But I left secondary school, and A started to become popular. 
Even found a boyfriend and thats good, really, because I told her that one day she'll find someone that will take care of her. 
Don't get me wrong, though I'm bi, I never saw her more than a friend. A was just someone that I wanted to help because I could understand the pain she was going through. 
But the only problem was... She forgot who she used to be and who used to be there for her when she was at her darkest times. I dont know, maybe A only forgotten me, but its still.. Suckish to know that I used to mean a lot to someone and once they've tsunami-ed with popularity, they forgot the ones who cared for them before. 
No Hi's, No How are yous. A didn't even plan for an outing. 
I'm happy for her happiness honestly. 
But sometimes I wish, I could be a little more appreciated. 

Maybe its me, and my forever over thinking mind. 
I think about things that I shouldn't and even thinking about this incident with A was just a random thing. 
I get hurt over small things and I can't take rejection. 
I always feel jealous. Always. I just don't show it. 
Always feeling so.. lost and not knowing what to do in life. 
Its... a really slow night, and listening to my playlist full of shitty sad songs is not helping at all.

I wish... I just wish.. I could stop feeling this way. 

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