Slothful *

“naive. ”

i hate life

Wednesday, June 3, 2015 || Wednesday, June 03, 2015

Right now, after so long, I'm blogging once again. And guess what I'm feeling? well you thought right, I'm depressed as eff. I don't even know why i turned out this way. One day i felt so beautiful so care-free so happy and all of a sudden, my heart drops and my tears fell out. I never felt so lost and tired before. I never really mean it but I wanted to leave. To leave this world, this country. I want to be somewhere. At a place where no one knows me and I'm all alone. To delete and leave all these effed emotions behind and just run away to a foreign country.

I wanted to be happy, you know? But why did it turn out this way? Why did I have to break down and fall out? Its like I was walking on a wide path with flowers and candy all over and suddenly, the dream stops and only to disappear. As it fades away, I saw a narrow, broken road it was filled with skulls and broken hearts but it was filled with holes.

There's a hole in my soul.

And I can't seem to fix it back together again. It doesn't seem like I'm trying hard enough, but I really am. I loved myself so much before. I love the way I look even though many would think I'm fat and ugly. But i LOVED myself. What about now? Why did I start having smaller appetites and a worn-out-sad face? I cry to myself every morning and every night. Me wishing for someone to understand how I feel. There's so many emotions in my mind, its a mess, but I can't say it out. I can't think of perfect words to describe this unknown negative feeling that is killing me ever so slowly.

I'm finally colorless.

I've became dull, boring and lifeless. There's no more color, no more happiness in my soul. I'm grey and I'm slowly fading into the abyss. I don't even see myself smiling to random strangers anymore. I cry often in the train. I started to keep things to myself as well. I want to make myself happy with things I enjoy doing. But whats the point? It never worked. I remained the same. I remained colorless. I don't even know what I'm feeling, honestly.

It has came to the point where I'm just so tired of every single thing.
I don't angry mad when people don't reply my texts.
Don't get happy when the person I love texts me.
Never get hungry when my favorite food is right in front of me.
Not excited when I'm going out shopping.
Don't feel a thing when I watch anime.

So many things to say but I can't utter a word out. Keep my mouth shut because everyone will think I'm crazy. Shut my mind off everything and keep the emotions out.

"Don't feel a thing, don't feel a thing." She said to herself as she cried to herself in her room.

don't be afraid, just go with it

Friday, March 27, 2015 || Friday, March 27, 2015

To fall in love, was never my plan.
But whats this? Im starting all over again.
I tell myself to never trust.
After the last was filled with hate and disgust.
Yet you got my heart beating.
Your words never made me stop believing.
That maybe i should try again.
To find the love i haven't obtain.
Could I have you by my side?
to you i have always confide.

But what would i do if i mess up?
What if my life is just filled with back luck?
Fear of not being enough, the fear that the challenges will be rough.
I don't know what made me think this way,.
Why has my heart turn to the darkest shade of gray?
The confidence that I used to show to the world,
why it used to bloom yet now its just whorled.
I wish I was able to change back to the mindset that I've developed,
blocking all unknown things that were irrelevant.
I wish i never had to choose in the first place,
which decision i'm confident to embrace.

Maybe ill get up and get on going. For I am forever finding.
as to the real reason of my birth,
but maybe, just maybe, I'll even find my self-worth.
The journey won't be easy, that i expect,
for i will walk this road as i reflect.
Have i done the right this far?
or have i wounded myself with dangerous scars?
That will pull me back once i've become stronger,
and push me back to the past that i am no longer.

The way you speak, they way you make my heart flutter,
i don't wish for our fate to shatter.
I'm trying my best to go with the flow,
never to rush things and stick to what I know.

I will never expect greater things,
for i am happy with what happiness my life brings.

break the empire

Monday, February 2, 2015 || Monday, February 02, 2015

[Let the ocean take me. ]

So lately, things.. has been quiet and I somewhat enjoy this peace that I have obtained from sacrificing the things I used to love. These weeks that I've walked side by side with my friends, I've learnt that happiness can be achieved not only by being loved. It can be achieved by spending times with the ones you truly care and feel belonged. We tend to make decisions that will mess up our future, but we were all young once, we all we gotta do is to learn. To never make the same mistake twice and if we did, stop immediately and do something that will benefit you. There were reasons to my sacrifice and I really don't want to list all of it. Partly was also because I've lost all emotions and I could not feel. "Faking a smile" may sound cliche but I guess to put it in a simple sentence, lets just say that what I felt before wasn't there anymore.

To be honest, no one knows where it went and why did it leave. Emotions, are so difficult to control, its like a rebellious child. You try to contain it yet by the end of the day, all hell goes loose and you find yourself exposed by a set of anger, fear and sadness. However, I will not lie that I am healing and finding myself, even though it is taking quite awhile.

I've cried to myself and I told myself how much I'm so done with everything and I wanted to cry. But with all of this, I know that God has something else in stored for me. We might never know what it is, but we gotta believe that everything will be okay.

Sure, there were times whereby I really wanted to leave and run away, but my mother loves me, and I woulnt never do anything to hurt her.

All in all, we are all humans and we tend to make mistakes. If you fail, get up and try again but never block someone's way just because you are struggling to get over the tall hill. And if you fail again, remember why you decided to this. Remember your willingness and your strength. Forget your worries, fear and melancholy.

Crazy Monkey Love.

Thursday, January 15, 2015 || Thursday, January 15, 2015

I wonder by sitting here alone in the dark,

is it better than sitting with someone else at the park?

A missing piece disappeared today,

and my heart is slowly going astray.

Maybe it was the wrong decision,

but it was for the better, if i were to envision.

Wouldn't it be better to just end right here,

rather than to just disappear?

I left with the words that no one wanted to listen,

and slowly, we are driven away with distance.

Everywhere, there will be memories I hold dear,

and sometimes, visions of you just appear.

I would never lie that I loved you,

I'm sorry this was all so out of the blue.

I taste the salt that was the tears

filled with unhappiness and fears.

To never finding myself again,

only live my life with sorrow and pain.

Bittersweet memories that I reminisce,

once, my heart was filled with pure bliss.

But everything had to end,

right now, we arent even best of friends.

But I promise that everything will be okay,

and one day your heart will never be as gray.

To find someone that will bless you with so much happiness,

no more crazy monkey love madness.

Envision - picture to oneself; imagine possible
Reminisce - indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events.
Bliss - a state of extreme happiness