Wednesday, June 3, 2015

i hate life

Right now, after so long, I'm blogging once again. And guess what I'm feeling? well you thought right, I'm depressed as eff. I don't even know why i turned out this way. One day i felt so beautiful so care-free so happy and all of a sudden, my heart drops and my tears fell out. I never felt so lost and tired before. I never really mean it but I wanted to leave. To leave this world, this country. I want to be somewhere. At a place where no one knows me and I'm all alone. To delete and leave all these effed emotions behind and just run away to a foreign country.

I wanted to be happy, you know? But why did it turn out this way? Why did I have to break down and fall out? Its like I was walking on a wide path with flowers and candy all over and suddenly, the dream stops and only to disappear. As it fades away, I saw a narrow, broken road it was filled with skulls and broken hearts but it was filled with holes.

There's a hole in my soul.

And I can't seem to fix it back together again. It doesn't seem like I'm trying hard enough, but I really am. I loved myself so much before. I love the way I look even though many would think I'm fat and ugly. But i LOVED myself. What about now? Why did I start having smaller appetites and a worn-out-sad face? I cry to myself every morning and every night. Me wishing for someone to understand how I feel. There's so many emotions in my mind, its a mess, but I can't say it out. I can't think of perfect words to describe this unknown negative feeling that is killing me ever so slowly.

I'm finally colorless.

I've became dull, boring and lifeless. There's no more color, no more happiness in my soul. I'm grey and I'm slowly fading into the abyss. I don't even see myself smiling to random strangers anymore. I cry often in the train. I started to keep things to myself as well. I want to make myself happy with things I enjoy doing. But whats the point? It never worked. I remained the same. I remained colorless. I don't even know what I'm feeling, honestly.

It has came to the point where I'm just so tired of every single thing.
I don't angry mad when people don't reply my texts.
Don't get happy when the person I love texts me.
Never get hungry when my favorite food is right in front of me.
Not excited when I'm going out shopping.
Don't feel a thing when I watch anime.

So many things to say but I can't utter a word out. Keep my mouth shut because everyone will think I'm crazy. Shut my mind off everything and keep the emotions out.

"Don't feel a thing, don't feel a thing." She said to herself as she cried to herself in her room.
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