Tuesday, May 31, 2016


Its difficult to tell what I'm feeling right now. Is it bliss or is it melancholy? Trust is the one thing I tend to give so easily. Therefore, getting hurt over and over again. I close my eyes and tell myself,

"The more you trust, the more you get hurt. The more tears will be shed and your heart may never be mend again."

Yet why is it that I keep doing the same mistakes? I give in too much, I apologize too much when it's sometimes not my fault, I trust easily and I'm naive. A few nice and pretty words, and you already get my emotions wrecked. It hurts, sometimes. Knowing that I can never be an important person in someone's life. Yet I give my all in a relationship/friendship, even though I know that it takes a small effort to just throw me away. I know it kills me later on for putting too much effort, but I still give my hardest. Then when they finally shove me aside, I realized how stupid I've become, how broken I'm going to be.
How long has it been since I laughed naturally?
How long has it been since I've longed for someone who will treasure me?

I never loved myself because I know no one will. I never cared about myself because no one showed me how. Yet my emotions give me so much pain. People give me so much grief.
I'm the one to blame. I'm at fault. I was the one who created this mess. How many times have I heard that since I was just 7 years old? Why did I have a fucked up childhood?
It has been 9 years yet I can never get over the fact that my childhood was destroyed. That I can never get my innocence back. I still cry about it up till this day but what kills me the most is how difficult it is for me love someone truly. The fear of being used and touched, then not giving a care of what I feel.

"Do they love me or do they love me for my body?" 

My mind is wrecked and my chest hurts. Will I be able to be human once again?

Tuesday, May 3, 2016


Flowers on my head, demons in my mind x

Everyone knows I'm the most unmotivated person in the whole wide world. I mean, there might be people who are worst than I am but I'm saying that for those who has me as their friend, they would know that motivating me is the most difficult task ever. I would even bet that if you give them $5000 dollars just to motivate me, I think people who reject the task or would end up failing miserably.

I'm the type of person who doesn't bother thinking about many things but I do think of things that doesn't benefit me at all. Exams and tests? Its so difficult for me to studying until like a day before the actual exam. I tend to overthink and get jealous when other people talk to my friends and I'm left in the corner alone. I have no particular goal in life. I wanted to be and author at first, then a councilor then a forklift driver. My goals are never fixed, just like my hair. A wild mane in the loose.
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