Slothful *

“naive. ”

castle

Tuesday, May 31, 2016 || Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Its difficult to tell what I'm feeling right now. Is it bliss or is it melancholy? Trust is the one thing I tend to give so easily. Therefore, getting hurt over and over again. I close my eyes and tell myself,

"The more you trust, the more you get hurt. The more tears will be shed and your heart may never be mend again."

Yet why is it that I keep doing the same mistakes? I give in too much, I apologize too much when it's sometimes not my fault, I trust easily and I'm naive. A few nice and pretty words, and you already get my emotions wrecked. It hurts, sometimes. Knowing that I can never be an important person in someone's life. Yet I give my all in a relationship/friendship, even though I know that it takes a small effort to just throw me away. I know it kills me later on for putting too much effort, but I still give my hardest. Then when they finally shove me aside, I realized how stupid I've become, how broken I'm going to be.
How long has it been since I laughed naturally?
How long has it been since I've longed for someone who will treasure me?

I never loved myself because I know no one will. I never cared about myself because no one showed me how. Yet my emotions give me so much pain. People give me so much grief.
I'm the one to blame. I'm at fault. I was the one who created this mess. How many times have I heard that since I was just 7 years old? Why did I have a ~~fucked~~ up childhood?
It has been 9 years yet I can never get over the fact that my childhood was destroyed. That I can never get my innocence back. I still cry about it up till this day but what kills me the most is how difficult it is for me love someone truly. The fear of being used and touched, then not giving a care of what I feel.

"Do they love me or do they love me for my body?"

My mind is wrecked and my chest hurts. Will I be able to be human once again?