Saturday, August 27, 2016

teen idle

Why do we feel so much? Why are we always trusting the wrong people and end up never to trust the next new person in line? Its so funny how we thought that we are old enough to make our decisions into choosing what kind of friends or lovers but we never truly learn our mistakes until the end comes. We still rely on the help given into choosing something that is "good for us." But what happens what the choices you make ended up being the bad one? 
You cry, you break and you forget how to feel happy again. We got so many people around us, yet why do we still feel alone? It feels like there's truly no one who will care about you, yet you still try to reach out to everyone else. You are always the person to call people out because you know no one will do the same. You are afraid of being alone, but you already know that you already are. That people will only start missing you and think about you when you are gone, dead. And after a day of two, the whole world forgets you ever existed because you never mattered. Have you ever felt like so? Have you ever felt like killing yourself every single day but you never had the guts to because you believe that you still have a chance in making your life better? 
Yet why do we still think of death every single day. 
Even though we know that deep down, "everything will be okay someday." 

Because that "someday", hasn't come yet. It is'int here currently so we can't bring ourselves to believe that everything will be a-okay. We still feel hurt from the shit life gives us and cry every single night, hoping that the pain will leave our hearts. Begging to God that the "someday" everyone talks about, will come very soon. We're so tired of dealing the same things every day, we're so tired of having our emotions played with, we're so tired of living. Its difficult hiding behind a smiley faced mask. Its difficult pretending that nothing is secretly stabbing your chest  ten thousand times. Its difficult to not show the tears that we are holding back every time we sit in the bus and relatable songs starts to play. 

Why do we hurt so much? 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

chocolate tobacco

After having you out of my mind, I started doing things I thought I wouldn't anymore. I forgot how to feel about life and laughter was just another "bonus". I read a lot, just to distract myself from the reality that was kicking me right in the ass. Listening to music that represents my emotions and feelings that I couldn't describe with just words. I thought falling in love would be just pure happiness, but who knew that it could break a girl so much? Who knew it could hurt her heart and numb her facial expressions? Why do we loose ourselves when pursuing someone who could be like a drug to us? We addicted to their sweet nothings and their jokes, forgetting that we actually should take a step back and enjoy the scenery for awhile. To look from afar, what kind of person they are and what kind of things do they do. Because love blinds all. We might think, "Oh she's person." or "Oh, he would never do such a thing." but those are just illusions that our mind plays to make us fall in love and fall apart in the end.

Don't get me wrong, falling in love is a great thing. We become happier having someone in our lives and we look forward to every single day. Sharing memories and sharing short little moments with one another. Giggling like little kids and playing around like dweebs. Hugging and tickling one another because they're ticklish. Its those moments where you feel like the happiest person in the world and you never want to leave this paradise. You live each day, waiting for this "paradise" but not knowing that a tsunami could wash away all these happy little moments and turn it into broken, sad memories.
How unfair it is when some people are so indecisive and are constantly running away from their problems and we are here, trying to face it, and go through it. How we are trying to "accept their past" and learn something new everyday, reminding ourselves to never repeat the same mistakes and there are people who just sits there and blame themselves for everything that had happened.

It takes two hands to clap. It takes two people to form a mistake, a fight. Like how a lady can't get pregnant alone, she needs help from a male. Its never just one side, its two people, hiding facts and emotions, creating small little problems which will just join together to become one, big. problem. Now we know that "trust" is a thing that we shouldn't give to everyone. Sure, they may tell you they love you and pamper you with food, gifts and sweet cliche words.

But are they really the one for you?

Saturday, August 13, 2016

I walk the line

It kinda hurts, right here and right now. How I left everything behind me and then suddenly, things don't go the way you wanted it to. Everything just changes and the words that he spoke was the sentences and phrases that you would never expect. Is it because I'm not good enough or is it because you don't trust me? What makes you think that I can't go through shit together with you?
Its so unfair when two people like each other yet one decides that they can't be together. Just because of something that happened in the past. Just because it happened with them, what makes you think the same things would happen with me?
Its so unfair because you treated me so well. You made me happy and then you destroyed my heart at that moment. I took me a while to realize what was finally happening and then I cried.

Are these just excuses? Half-hearted things never end well. Then why the f* did you even talk to me? Why did you even text me and buy me food? Why did go lengths and travel around just for me and made me believe that we could be something?

Why did you make this young girl believe such a lie?

Are you a coward, or do you just find it hard to put you trust in me?
Because I'm weird, I'm twisted and I'm sensitive. I think I would be able to understand what it feels like even though I can't say it. I can't express it.

It kinda hurts, right here and right now. When you tell me that we can never be together. When you tell me you like me but you can't be someone more than a friend to me.

Tell me how should I feel? Tell me what I should do?

Don't tell me to fucking give up because its not as easy as it seems. I can't fall in love with someone so much and then just "forget about it." I'm human, not a fuhken robot.

Don't play with my heart, please. I beg of you.

Why did you try when you know this will never work out?

Monday, August 1, 2016


Why does Leia cry at night for no reason? She lay down on her bed and tell herself how unimportant she is and just starts crying. She imagines herself dead and how the funeral would be. How people will forget her the next day and how no one will cry for her. Leia imagines herself trapped in a room, begging for someone to help her. 
She never escaped. 
For 6 years she was locked inside that dark room. On some days, the door would open and she could do whatever she wants, but something keeps leading her back to her room and lock herself in there for another how many more months. 
Leia trusts people too easily and once, she had emotions for the first time. She felt as though her chest was beating once again. It feels as though her stomach had butterflies. 
but what went wrong? Everything came crashing down, tearing her apart and the room she was trapped in became smaller. It became darker and before she knew it, she couldn't see anything except for pure darkness. 
The colour of the room was the same as the colour of her soul. 
She was empty.

What happened? Leia used to be such a happy girl before. She used to be the person who makes the people around her laugh and smiles. She was the the one person anyone could lean on and talk to. But what has led her to become as dark as the night? She asks herself that everyday but she never got the answer. When will she realize that the only person that is hurting her, is herself? When will she realize that she should stop putting her heart in everything and everyone before getting hurt? 
Leia, you're so stupid.
Why won't you listen and just do as I say. Why can't you just forget the stuffs around you and run away? 
Leave the world with me, its better for you out there. Staying here will only make you sadder than you already are. Why hang on into the slim thread of "hope" that someone will save you? 

No one will.
Because no one dares. 

Leia, is me. 

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