“A V I E ”
Monday, January 2, 2017 || Monday, January 02, 2017
2 January 2017, why am I awake at 12.24am writing this blog post? Who knows, really. Anyways, 2016 has been a really shaky year. Filled with a truckload of tears and heartbreaks, I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will ever love someone like me. Tons of ups and downs, I was wondering to myself, "When will this ever end?"
Eventually it all did, but it wasn't easy. The month of December was the worst. It was the holiday month and everyone was out and about, having the time of their lives. While I was struggling with my exams and when the holidays finally did come, I was homed most of the time. I felt worst because when you're at home, you tend to overthink a lot more. And eventually, grow lonely and assumed that your existence is nothing. I tried watching a lot of my animation and ever tv series, but when it gets quiet, I can never stop thinking of killing myself. You know its bad that even sitting at the couch, waiting for an episode to load, you have thoughts like "I'm not important." or "No one will remember me when I'm gone."
And the shittiest thing is that, I believe all of that - up till now. It has been bothering me a lot lately. It even disturbs me when I try to sleep. My mind goes all messy and all the strings are in knots. I feel like crying at times, but no tears would leave my dry eyes. It feels as though feeling sad is normal, as though I don't even try to laugh anymore. The amount of loneliness I feel every single day.. I don't even know how to explain it.
I hate myself for being this way. I envy those who are able to smile freely, without any care in the world. In the meantime, I'm even afraid of having the thought of being happy without worrying that it could all go away. I had a reason of waking every morning, I had a reason to live, yet it all disappeared into thin light, without another word or say. Tell me how can I bring myself to trust another person when everyone else gives me a reason not to? Why do people lie to take my heart away then leave when they are done sucking up all the love I had left?
right now, I'm thinking to myself, "Who would be the first to realize that I had left this place?" because the answer could be very.. entertaining. Someone you thought you could trust your whole life could be the last to know, or the least bothered.
Humans are such scary creations.