Sunday, August 13, 2017


It has definitely been awhile since the last time I have posted in this terrible terrible blog of mine. I've been busy with school, with everything really, and didn't had any ideas on what to write. I really wanted to keep off the dark, sentimental and emotional stuff, but that's just how my mind works and my whole world resolves around those things. I don't think I'm a sad person per say, more like.. The way I think and how others think is so so different sometimes. I can't think of an example as I'm typing this out, but there are times whereby I can see the difference between how my friends and I think. While we're at this topic, lets discover what goes thru Hana's mind every single day and how she handles her shits. 

I often have breakdowns too, while I lay down and listen to music. Normally around 2 or 3AM when everyone's asleep and I'm still awake. All of a sudden my brain just decides to tell me how much of a bitch I am and how many people actually hates me and don't wanna be my friend. It's scary to think and realize that this has actually been going on for the past 9 years or so. The thought of being hated, not being wanted and the thought of wanting to kill myself and ending it all. I'd cry the whole night, hoping that one day, I wouldn't have to cry at night again. I think about how miserable my life is and how lonely it feels every single day. I lay down, cry to myself, sobbing, wanting to go to sleep and not want to wake up. It used to happen every single day, now it just happens once a week. I wonder why I always have these emotions? 

When I sit in a corner during a class or a lecture, I often wonder if these people around me are friends with me because they like me or because they feel like I can be easily manipulated and taken advantage of? I don't have money so all I can give is my time and my loyalty, I wonder if that is why they want me around. To fill in the empty void they have in their hearts, to compare themselves to me, realizing that I'm so much more pathetic than they are. I always make friends with the people that have trouble mixing around, and once they are used to the new environment, often they forget their roots and trash people like me away. I'm probably just some rag people can use to wipe up their wounds but never washing the rag to use it more often in the future. 

Do you think of death often? I do. Not like 'Oh i want to die. ' but more like.. "I wonder how will I die?" or "If I do this, will this lead to my death?". Things like that. Like you sitting there, drinking Starbucks, looking around and suddenly you ask yourself if today was going to be your last day and if you were going to die drinking Starbucks. Or would you die while you are shitting in the toilet? How about loosing your soul while watching a movie and no one notices until the end of the movie, when the staff goes in the theater and see you sitting there, lifeless. Maybe something scarier like, falling off from the top floor, or being stabbed at the back while you're walking home or get shot while you are in the way of a robbery scene? I want a peaceful death. Something peaceful like drinking poison or dying in your sleep. It wouldn't harm no one but me, and that's the only thing I wish for. 

I tend to think about these things a lot, maybe that's why I'm such a reserved and quiet child. I don't have many friends and that's also one of the reasons why I'm hating myself so much hahaha. Fret not, it wouldn't be soon till I kill myself. I still got a long way to go and still got a book to publish before I die. I want people to read the stories I made with this twisted brain of mine, to enjoy thinking like a freak and also accept that, they aren't the only one who has these thoughts. I know I'm not alone, and they aren't either.

Lets get together and imagine a world full of psychos like us.


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