“naive. ”

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 When you cant sleep,  you come back to the place where you once belong

A place where no one cares because no one knows who you are 

A place where you cry, and it will disappear into thin air 

Everyday feeling like I'm walking on eggshells. Wondering to myself, 'what will I do wrong today?' 

Its hard , trying to make everyone happy. Attending to everyone's needs. 

I feel trapped. I can't breathe. Can I be myself again? 

I'm so useless. I keep hurting people around me. 

I'm crying, but who cares? No one. 

I'm all alone. No one loves me. 

And I'll die all alone, just like how they want me. 

prick my little finger, just to feel something
gasping, choking for air
why is it so hard to breathe
why has it been so difficult to explain
all these spiraling emotions
going through my mind

i dont want to mess it up
i want it to be different
i'm not like the others
i'm hoping that i can bring you your smile
but i wonder,
when will that ever come?

the words i spit out
when i see you happy
with someone else thats not me
leaves a bitter taste
of white lies
and conceit

it gets harder to breathe,
the more you get close,
the more i beg for the catch of air
you're bad for me
yet you keep me wanting more

bleeding little finger,
will you help me feel?
help me erase the emotions
turn them into something new
because i'm never going to be 'her'




love is a weird thing
at first its all sweet nothings and blossoms,
then after a while
it becomes a habit.
when a habit of a relationship doesn't rely on love,
it shall disappear.
and i close my eyes each night,
hoping and begging to God,
to never take him away from me.
let us face troubles, fight on any thing,
just dont take him away from me.

can i pray that he will love me till the die,
and when i'm alive,
he'll love me the same?
or should i pray to the stars,
that he doesn't get bored of me,
and he will always want every part of me.

why do i fear being forgotten,
not being wanted or needed no more?
cant we go back to the sweet nothings and blossoms,
and let the love go back to where it was?

when everything was easier,
social media wasn't a product of out mind,
when a lot of things didn't mattered,
it was us against the world.
loving each other like never before,
being with you just makes me so happy.

so God, if you're reading my prayer. Please don't let him get away from me.



with full make up on 

Do i cross your mind in the mornings
or am i, from your mind, fading
into a thin piece of
'because she'll never leave'?

do you stay because you want to
or do you
fear the emptiness
fear the broken hearts & salty tears

when you close your eyes
when you go outside
will you think of me,
or are your feelings for me like the dead sea?
quiet and stagnant
awfully resistant
its like the love was too far to reach,
too far to obtain
and too tired to try

as we hold hands,
does it still make your heart flutter?
and as my love for you withstands,
am i finally better than her?
do you still think of what you once had,
still feeling sad
about something you left behind
but its still at the back of your mind?

the treasures you gave me was a reminder
that you love me more than her
yet on those quiet nights,
my mind constantly picking fights
with my thoughts,
gunshots, slingshots, all tied up in knots




hey
call me back
i miss your voice
i want your touch
why did you leave without
'i love you'

nights like this make me feel
as though you love me less
everyday
i just hope that you
wont leave me someday
when you realize
how boring i can be
how lame i am
how i'm not your type

looking at myself
i still wonder why me?
you tell me that it doesnt matter
but i'm telling you that it does

why me and not her?
she's prettier
better
nicer
while i'm
not.
i'm nothing like you want your future to be
and that's why i'm still afraid
that you'll leave me one day

as many times as you tell me you wont
this feeling inside just wont leave me alone
i still want to die
i still fear being left alone
i dont wanna cry
i dont
but why can i stop?

listening to a happy tune
yet crying with a smile
i wish i could die
wish that heaven nor hell exist
just want to stop living
and disappear forever

no fear
no emotion
no life
leaving everything behind
i just wanna die




as you stare at me with those tired eyes

green tea on her lips
trying forget all the bad feelings
just wanna lay down
just wanna cry it out
just wanna slit her thighs and forget it all

curled self into a ball
bed in a mess just like her mind
tissues all over,
when will this ever end?
hands against her chest
breathing in and out,
gasping for air
desperate for help
but to seek?
never.

as she laid down by herself
she felt it on the tips
dark red
with spots of fear
anxiety
despair and
loss

in the shadows
she knows she's not alone
she wanted the voices to go away
but all she ever hear was
'not good enough'
'everyone will leave you'
'no one will remember you'
replaying in her head
like a millennial pop song

she covers her eyes
with a stained gift
sighing out loud as she choked for a bit
wishing everything will be better,
prays that one day she'll,
love herself forever & after
begging god knows who,
that her overflowing thoughts
will one day,
shut down for good

but she knows,
no matter how much
she gets on her knees
how much she
begs and sobs
she'll never be better
because her heart will never
turn into a clearer color



loving yourself has always been something that you struggled to do,
so what made you believe that you could love someone else and be truly happy?
you close your eyes every night thinking that the next day,
everything will be okay.
that's what you thought.
but honestly, things never get better, they just fade away.
problems, one by one, stacked up into one big pile
of emotions, insecurities and fear.

each engulfing your mind, your heart,
making you believe that you don't deserve this pain
this sadness
wanting to give it all up, thinking maybe
'i deserve better'
lying to yourself that this isn't what you want.
you're so confident that you aren't,
never,
the problem of all these bad ships.

but you know what's even worst than a heartbreak?
not knowing until the end of time,
that the reason of that heartbreak,
is you.
always so fixated on believing that you're perfect,
that you are always right.
but wrong is all you've ever done,
and hurt was all you've ever caused.

you don't deserve true love,
you've hurt too much people for God to be able to love you.
you never deserve the happiness others feel,
with their happy partners.
you should be all alone,
until you realize,
that the only reason why no one can love you,
is because you never started by loving yourself.

2 January 2017, why am I awake at 12.24am writing this blog post? Who knows, really. Anyways, 2016 has been a really shaky year. Filled with a truckload of tears and heartbreaks, I wonder if I'll ever find someone who will ever love someone like me. Tons of ups and downs, I was wondering to myself, "When will this ever end?"






don't know why i have been hurting so much, don't know why it hurts when i breathe. i cry every night, wondering to myself " why do i still live?" . asking myself questions like " am i even needed?" . i forgot the purpose of my very existence. was i born to make people laugh and smile? or was i born to help people learn to never be someone like me? or did God just dropped me from the sky, not having any purpose for me? i was a happy kid, yes i was. i was smiling and laughing no matter what happened. after everything was over, i overcame my darkness and saw light in that everlasting tunnel.
little did i know that for every happy ending, there's a plot twist in the end. the darkness covers you up with your own anxiety, your own fears and your own sadness. the only thing you can do is to sit there and cry alone, not knowing what to do because no one understands. you try to say it out but words can no longer explain what it feels like inside. the fear of not being needed or wanted. the jealously of not being recognized. the sadness of not being remembered. i was afraid of being hated by everything and everyone. i was afraid of it happening, but it already did.

i fear people.

as much as i love my friends, i can never bring myself to speak up to someone new and being friends with em. i dislike having to make a conversation that will only destroy me. as i write this down, i tell myself that words can never fully describe how i feel because its so much more than this. its slowly tearing my heart apart, and one day i'll break. and when that day comes, finally, no one will remember me.